Welcome to Schlitz & Giggles Brewery, your one-stop shop for everything Schlitz! Our brewery was founded in 2011 with one focus in mind: to brew good Schlitz that everyone would want. Thanks to the executives of the brewery, we are on our way to achieve that goal!
Meet the Executive Team
Our brewery was founded by some of the most fascinating and brilliant people on the planet, and we are lucky to have them as our leaders. No one knows beer like they do, and they put everything they have into making the best beer. Blood, sweat, and tears went into making every perfect brew (well, not literally… at least we hope not).
Growing up in the streets of Harlem, Lana’s childhood was atypical compared to the average American girl. She was raised by her parents, two retired black ops commanders, to be one of the best ninjas the world has ever seen. At age 14, she entered the Strongman Competition in South Africa and, after competing 3 straight days in a champion tug-of-war match, she came up victorious. She spent most of her adult life meditating in a dojo in South Korea, stopping only to eat, drink, and fight crime. To this day, her name still strikes fear into the minds of the world’s most notorious criminals… and squirrels.
Rudy’s mysterious background prevents us from really knowing the man behind the hair, but here is what our contacts at the CIA were able to dig up. Legend has it that Rudy was raised by a pack of mangy wolves somewhere deep in the valleys surrounding the Weisshorn mountain of Switzerland. His upbringing forced him into a state of continuous alert and constant vigilance, allowing him to develop superhuman traits like 20/10 vision and the ability to leap 20 yards with little effort. Trained by the Columbian military at the ripe age of 11, Rudy became one of the most sought-after demolition experts in the Western hemisphere.
Jeff is the definition of a “manly man.” Seriously, look it up. His picture is right next to the words “manly man” in Webster’s dictionary. Deep in the Everglades of southern Florida, Jeff, minutes after being born, went to work on building a log cabin for him and his family. The laborious project took all of 30 minutes to complete, and Jeff was sleeping in his own toddler suite by the end of the night. Growing up, he always got the ladies and it is rumored that he was unable to carry credit cards because his personality was so magnetic. School was a breeze for him: by 18 he was able to speak fluent French in Russian and his photographic memory is in HD.
As a cryogenically frozen test tube baby, Todd was raised by the aboriginal Australian people on the outskirts of the Great Victorian Desert. By the age of 23, he was the first and only multi-sport athlete to win championships and MVP titles in the NBA, NFL, NHL, MLS, MLB, and WWE. As a runner, his world record speed for the 100 meter dash came in at 1.2 seconds – 23.3 seconds faster than the time he beat. During his teenage years, Todd spent his free time dabbling in various hobbies, including watercolors, basket weaving, and underwater shark fighting.
One of the most intelligent men of the last 500 years, Darin’s keen intellect helped him in his childhood when he gained the highest honor at any higher education institution, a Doctorate in Brewery Science, at the age of 15. Working to invent several uses for his favorite liquid, he built and patented the beer-powered flying car in hopes of saving the world’s energy sources from depletion. At 21, he co-founded a secret government program called SNASA (Secret NASA) designed to launch the first American onto the surface of the moon (not the moon that everyone knows, but instead a secret moon that orbits the Earth invisible to the naked eye).
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